That Red
Dress
That red dress I've had for a long time and have memories associated with it.
I remember some friends and I wanted to go see Rocky Horror. I've never seen it before and I've never really done drag or anything. So a friend and I went to goodwill and he was picking out gaudy dresses and dresses that were good for drag. Then I saw that red dress and I thought oh this is a cute dress and I think it is cool. So I just tried it on and I liked how it felt. It was loose and free and fit me really well and made me feel sexy and good about myself. So I put it on and got it and it really clicked for me.
The rest of my friends I went with all did very terrible drag and they just did some very sloppy makeup characteristic. Whereas I didn't want to dress up as some idea of femininity. I just wanted to wear a dress. So I wore just the dress, some tights and some nice shoes. I shaved and put on a little bit of mascara which is just neat and I looked a lot more feminine than everyone else because I felt comfortable in my body. Whereas everyone else was like fiddling with their dress and not sure what they were doing and felt weird. Then we took pictures together. Everyone looked you know, pretty silly except me who looked great, just like a cute 17 year old girl.
So my friends they all didn't keep the dresses and the heels or whatever. They had different feeling towards the fact that we were wearing dresses and stuff but I kept mine and found many many more opportunities to wear because I liked the feelings so much. I liked wearing it and it made me feel attractive and powerful and more like parts of myself that I hadn't really let myself be.
I still remember in high school so much of the choices I made were based on what other people thought about me, what my perception was, what people wanted me to be. It wasn't something I really felt comfortable exploring until I was in a space where it was comfortable. So I spent more and more time with theater kids and art kids who are more accepting.
I think it's really really hard to explore and be the self that has masculinity and femininity in it when gender is tied to your physical body and your sex. And so almost always there is just a default. But that doesn't represents who I am and in total. So being able to wear clothes that go the other way, like right now I'm not wearing any men's clothing and just wear a dress, it kind shifts the other way and reminds me and reminds of the people that gender is not a thing to me at the end of the day. It's not a concept that I think is useful and so I think it's a concept that I can do without.
Saturation Magazine Issue 02 POWER. Editor in Chief Shibo Chen. Website designed and made by Shibo Chen.
04, 24, 2019 at CalArts.